I really adore Sarah Silverman. I think she’s beautiful, sassy, smart, clever, cute and cool. Her lovers are always men who I have sizable crushes on, which I take as confirmation that Sarah and I would get on very well if we were to meet in real life. And, subsequently, I believe that that those boyfriends of hers would also, most definitely, want to go out with me.
I don’t know when I first became aware of Silverman – it was more through pop-culture association, and the internet, rather than her work as an actor or comedian. It was sometime back when she was dating Jimmy Kimmel (when he was chubby and cute, like a unshaven, sarcastic, teddy bear). Whenever it was, there was one fact about her that I immediately implanted in my brain. I don’t know how, or where it came from, but this fact about Sarah Silverman I knew for sure:
Sarah Silverman is Jack Nicholson’s daughter.
Well. She 100% isn’t. But I spent a good ten years believing she was.
I can’t for the life of me tell you why I decided this to be the case. It’s not the kind of thing you just mistakenly read, or hear incorrectly. Maybe it was from a dream. Maybe it was because I think she looks a bit like Angelica Huston, a well known ex-lover of Nicholson’s. But anytime she came up in conversation, or popped up on TV, I’d take great delight in telling everyone around me this fact. I couldn’t believe that no-one else knew this?! I truly was the Pop-Culture Trivia Queen!
In her stand-up she was always referring to her ‘Dad’and tales of growing up with him around. It was always in a very pedestrian and mundane way. She was never like “My Dad who is Jack Nicholson…” which I thought was just her extending her brand of sassy-cuteness. I couldn’t believe how down-to-earth she seemed, considering she had a mega star, millionaire father. So cool, so grounded.
So you can guess my horror, around three years ago, whilst watching her latest stand-up special, when she flashed a photo of her and her Dad on screen and the Dad…well he definitely wasn’t Jack Nicholson. Not even slightly. Her Dad is just a…regular dude.
This experience was incredibly embarrassing for me, especially as I had no good explanation to those sat around me for my apparent blatant lie, which I’d just gleefully told them, not ten minutes earlier. It’s the type of stupid pointless thing that a compulsive liar would say, for no good reason other than the thrill of the lie.
So, triggered by Sarah Silverman’s Instagram post for Father’s Day, reminding me of my sins, I wish to confess this lie, and apologise.
I’d like to apologise to everyone, over the years, who I’ve told this lie to.
I apologise to those who still believe this fact, and might be embarrassed in a very public way when this truth is eventually revealed to you. Please don’t be mad at me.
I’m very sorry Sarah Silverman.
I’m sorry Mr. Silverman.
I’m sorry Jack Nicholson – though to be honest, you’d be bloody lucky to have a daughter like Sarah Silverman.